Grab a hot beverage and snuggle in to read this.. it’s going to be worth it. I promise.
I wrote a post on 11/24 titled “Veiled“. The emotions of writing the blog post haunted me for days which is why I closed down my business for the month of December. I’ve never just taken time to be me or to listen to my inner self. I’ve always made myself so damn busy I wouldn’t have to think about what has happened to me or around me a result of learned behavior from the need to survive abuse as a child. One learns to survive by separating yourself from the abuse (both emotional and physical) to allow your mind to go anywhere else rather than being physically present to what’s happening to you in the moment. It is simply too painful.
This month, I have listened to my inner voices – those of my younger self and all I have been through and have done. I realized have committed random acts of violence against myself so often I wasn’t even recognizing it as such. I call myself “stupid” or “dumbass” when I don’t do something right. I had never realized just how poorly I spoke to myself until this month. I have peeled back so many layers of my emotional onion only to realize the small wounds I saw on the outside were truly much bigger and deeper than I could have ever imagined. My whole life I’ve been very vocal about “not needing someone else’s approval because well, fuck that.” As I sit here typing this I both cringe and chuckle at that statement. Generally, the one thing someone is most vocal about is the one thing they are afraid of, you know the saying “Me thinks thou doth protest too much.”
I am releasing my need for approval from everyone. I have always needed people to like me so I could find self-worth. If I could do or say the right thing, I would receive praise which would allow me feel good about myself. I needed everyone to love me or like what I did so I could love myself. If I felt like someone didn’t love me, then I felt worthless. My fear of this has shown up *HARD* in my life during November and December. The post I wrote in November was proof of that. Unwanted. Unloved. Because I felt that way, I called it to myself. Events played out around me in the last 8 weeks where I called this pain to myself. We don’t realize it at the time, but by constantly thinking any statement of “I am not…” it’s so powerful it calls that darkness to you. It calls it to you so you can examine it and work with it, not wallow in it which is what I was doing.
Who does that?
I’ll tell you who… most of us. We sit in our pain because it’s like the woobie we can’t live without. (Reference to an old movie, Mr. Mom, see the clip here) We developed this blanket of pain we’ve kept with us because we learned to accept it as fact that it just belonged. Perhaps you got your woobie when you were young, perhaps you didn’t acquire it until you were older. Either way, it’s just become a part of us externally and perhaps you feel it physically by either weight gain (this one is me), back pain, neck and shoulder pain or anxiety. I believe by allowing our emotional pain to stay within our auric field it causes energy blockage which then relates to physical pain. Your emotional state is out of balance, therefore your body is not at ease. DIS-EASE.
2020 has given us all reasons to feed into the idea of needing our woobie. We’ve allowed ourselves to sink into our pain and allow the darkness to overtake us. I’ve watched some fairly ugly and horrendous behavior this year. It enhanced our darkness so it could come up, be acknowledged and integrated. End this decade differently than any other decade before. Make a choice right here, right now to be different in 2021.
INTEGRATE your darkness, rather than allowing it to stay outside and separate from yourself like a woobie. No longer allow your fear to keep your authentic-self fractured and in pieces. You deserve to be whole and unveiled to the world like the true piece of art you are! Hug yourself and love yourself completely. Allow the pieces of yourself to come back one by one integrating them slowly. Forgive yourself.
You are so much more than you believe. You are the whisper in the wind, the lava at the core of the earth, as necessary as the water and as fertile as the soil. When you believe it, it will happen.
I know you can do it because I am doing it. I have released the most embarrassing therefore vulnerable piece of myself in this blog post. Clicking the publish button means I am trusting the Universe will allow this blog post to be seen by all those who need to know they are not alone.
I am Maria Michelle Leggett – I am unveiled to the world. Sharing my deepest darkest secret as part of my integrative authenticity.
Damn that feels good.
What is YOUR declaration for 2021? Post it in the comments below! I would love to hear from you