How many times can one person peel back the metaphorical layers of an onion until you get to the sweet spot?
The answer to that is unknown because each soul has created their own layers by their unique experiences. I have spent most of my life pretending to be someone I am not, so I felt loved and accepted. To continue life in this way is holding me back and stopping me from experiencing the true beauty life has to offer.
I experience emotions deeply, more deeply than I would like for anyone to know. I have developed this armor around me with the ideology of being “strong” because this is what I learned by watching the adults around me as I grew up. Every time I have weathered through a storm someone has always said to me “You’re so strong.” I allowed this to become a badge of honor not realizing the full implication those two little words have had on me. The people who said it meant the words as encouragement and sometimes even in awe of the experiences I have had, yet I still smile. Behind this smile lies a tremendous amount of pain. Pain which I have laughed through, smiled through, judged people through and tried to find my way through the world with it. I have held onto it in the form of weight around my body. I use it as a shield and sword to protect me, so no one sees my true vulnerability. I believed that if I showed vulnerability, I was weak and no one wanted a weak daughter, sister, friend, wife, mother.
Why am I writing about this? I am writing about this because there are many women in the world who feel as I do than anyone even realizes. We have always been “too much” of something. For me, I have always been “too loud”, “too smart for your own good”, “too fat”, “too loud” take your fucking pick, someone has said it. I learned to allow their statements to become my truth. Am I too loud? Perhaps, but when I feel happy, I exude happiness. When I feel sad, it drips off me. When I feel anger, it shoots out of me and slimes people. I am working on controlling the last two as it can affect other people and for that I am deeply apologetic.
I am finally at a point where I realize I have been shielding myself from truly feeling the deep pain I have experienced as a way of self-preservation. I am dropping the shield and sword for small periods of time. I am finding myself crying off and on regularly throughout the day. I need to feel this. Each tear I shed is a memory I no longer need to use to protect myself. I see this as the end of Harry Potter 7 when Voldemort is fighting to stay alive. Each of his horcruxes must be destroyed and this is what I am doing. Each painful memory is a piece of my soul I want to integrate back into myself, so I am whole. In the end… when I have released them all my shield and sword will disintegrate as Voldemort did in the end.
All that will be left is the true me. The woman who deserves to live on this planet in love and happiness helping other women find themselves and integrate their own shadows so they can show up just as beautiful as I will when this is over.
Blessed Be the path of every being who chooses to walk this life on Earth. It is not easy, but there are lessons to learn and so many people to love.
In love and peace…
Shelley
